Why

Why are you adopting?

If you knew your little girl was on the other side of the world, wouldn’t you go get her?

Yet I mourn. I mourn the time I will lose with my baby girl. I will miss her first smile, when she starts to sit up, her first word. I will miss so much.

 It’s like if the doctors handed me Eli at the hospital and said, “You can keep him but only if you agree to work for 12 hours a day until he turns one.” What a letdown. I would shed tears. I would be frustrated. I would mourn the time lost with him. I would want to be there for every milestone, for every moment.

 It is the same with you, sweet baby girl. I am mourning, right now, the time that I will miss. There is no way to get that time back, and I have already shed tears because of this.

But you are mine, and I am yours. And the same way as the story of Eli went, the only way I get to hold you in my arms for the rest of your life is if I give up your first year. Obviously, it is more than worth it. I cannot wait to see you. To breath in your sweet smell. To study your sweet face. To hear your sweet voice. Wo ai ni. Forever and ever. I love you. Help me to make up for that time by being the best mom that I can for you, my darling. For my Bella, my beautiful, unique, strong, lovely Bella.

I am holding my breath until I see your face. I am holding my breath until I get to hold you to my heart… safe, close, where you belong. I miss you.

May the time pass quickly.

Perspective

Today we went on a nice Earth Day hike. 

For an hour and fifteen minutes, I enjoyed myself immensely. Then the sun came out, streaming through the clouds. A man walked by as he eyed my two adorable boys frolicking around and said, "When it's hot up here, we sometimes see rattlesnakes. Watch out!" It was no longer a relaxing walk. My eyes were scanning, and I was on the alert. The rattlesnakes weren't going to get us! The walk hadn't change, but my perspective had. To the outside world the hike was the same, but to my brain it was ten times better before the other person had crossed our paths even though obviously it was good I was aware. 

Such is life. 

 I was born with a congenital heart defect, and when I was seven, I had open heart surgery. That same year both my grandparents died. I remember being impacted with my own mortality and the mortality of others. I was going to die, and it may not be when I am old and ready. It might be tomorrow or the next day. I remember beginning to live like today mattered. My new catch phrase became, "Carpe Diem." Make today matter because it does. Every day matters and is worth treasuring and trying your very best for. I couldn't waste my time on anything that didn't matter. 

I take a lot of pictures. Capturing moments. Moments in time that I never want to forget.

I know it sounds morbid, but I live with the thought that if, God forbid, anyone in my family was ever taken from this Earth before I am ready, I could at the very least say that I made the most of every single day that I was given with them. This change in perspective makes my life as a perpetual laundry washer, bottom wiper, dinner cooker seem more important. I matter to my family, and I want every day that they have to matter. Whether we are painting, playing, or exploring, I want to make the most of the time that I’ve been given.

And when I look deep into the eyes of any of the three boys that God has given to me and think about losing them, it makes anything that I am going through with them that may frustrate me in the short term seem like a candle in the wind. Nothing, zilch, not important. 

Decisions

Day to day I often have a very difficult time making decisions when my decision will affect other people.

I tend to evaluate how everything I do will impact everyone else whether it be my bedtime, the park I choose to go to, or what I make for dinner. I tend to be a very holistic, living in the gray decision maker.



But with some things there is no gray. It is black and white, and I am sure and certain that if I don't do this thing that I will regret it for the rest of my life. The best example was with Joe.



The day I met Joe, I knew he was the man I was going to marry. He asked me if I wanted to go on a date, my answer was an immediate yes! Do you want to be my girlfriend, yes!! Do you want to get married, yes!!! There was no hesitation on the day of our wedding. I was excited. I was ready. Would this decision drastically alter the rest of my life. Absolutely! Would it be difficult at times? Yes! Was I absolutely, completely ready for everything that we would face? Probably not. But I loved him unconditionally, and I have never looked back. I have never doubted if I made the right decision.



This is the same way that I feel about adoption. I feel so sure. Every time I am so afraid about all the special needs options. About the wait. About the trip to China. About how the boys will react. I think about the other side of these fears, which is staying as we are. Not moving forward. Not adopting. And I feel absolutely sure that I would regret that decision for the rest of my life.



I think that in the sometimes, difficult two years we have ahead of us that, that certainty will ground me. For someone who wants to make sure that my decisions enrich others' lives, I will need that certainty. I don't want to live with regret. I don't want to wake up five years from now, and look at the faces of my beautiful family and know that someone is missing. My baby girl. Who very well could be already planted in her birth mommy's belly, growing, with  so much ahead of her.



You are coming home. Someday. My arms are open. I already love you. Come home. ;-)

Bella

Everyone is so different. It's one thing I've learned in my 28 years. The way you see things are drastically altered by the lens you wear, which is created by your upbringing, the things you have gone through, your beliefs, your mood, and more. 

It is so difficult to predict how someone will feel or what they will think about any given event that happens. We are all so complicated and beautiful. A beautiful mess. 

I feel things very deeply. It is a curse and a blessing. 

I want to live life in a place of overflowing compassion and love, but I think most of it spills out on my children during the 14 hours every day that I am with them. I love them so deeply. It hurts.

Having a child, getting married. These things change you forever. It's not just a cliche that people say. It is so very true. I am not the same person I was preJoe, preEli, preMax. These people have interwoven themselves so closely into my heart and in my life. I cannot act or speak or do anything without thinking about how it will affect them. 

And it seems crazy, but in a different way, but still to a very powerful degree, Bella does the same thing. She hasn't even been born yet, but I think about her all the time. I pray for her. I yearn for her. I grieve for her. I will miss out on so much, and there is no way to get those years back. 

I just heard a song on Pandora about loss, and tears rolled down my cheeks. She will lose so much, but so will we. She will most likely be abandoned because her special need is too much for her parents to handle either monetarily or emotionally. 

I cannot imagine this. Either one. Choosing to walk away from a child that you could care for but can't imagine doing so because of a need they have or feeling like you have to walk away from them to save their life. Whew!

Being a mother has made these tragedies so much more real to me. I don't think I could ever walk away. But I am not there. I am not them, and people are complicated and beautiful and different. So very different. Please give me the grace and the strength to teach her as she grows about these mysterious forces in her life called her birth parents. Who played such a big role in who she is but will not be able to lift a finger to guide her through the heartache of what happened to her.
Give me deep compassion, understanding, and wisdom. 

I can't imagine living a year without her. I cannot imagine a week without my boys. A year. 

Sigh... 

Please give me strength. It may be a very long year.

Ephesians 1:4-54 Long ago, even before he made the world, God chose us to be his very own through what Christ would do for us; he decided then to make us holy in his eyes, without a single fault—we who stand before him covered with his love. 5 His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by sending Jesus Christ to die for us. And he did this because he wanted to!

 

Special Needs Checklist Struggles

2/28 

I feel so blessed to be able to be a parent. I don’t want my daughter to ever feel like I was the one that rescued her. My boys rescued me. I wanted to be a mom for so long. I yearned for it, prayed for it. For many years I didn’t think it was possible for me to have children and it broke my heart. I felt so called to be a mother and am so thankful to my core every day for the opportunity and the responsibility of raising my children.

I hope that the adoption agency and my friends and family will look at me and see that I am worthy of having another child. I want more children desperately. I am not done. I love my boys to the moon and back and I want to be able to see more children grow up. I want to soothe more, tickle more, laugh more, teach more, hug more. I want to experience it all as much as God allows me to. Whether it be with three or four children (I haven’t allowed my heart or mind to go past that number ;-).

I cannot wait to hold you, my sweet girl. Whatever your special need might be. God, you know. She’s about to be conceived. About to enter into her mother’s womb, and we are waiting. Waiting to apply, waiting to work hard to bring her home. So I wait for answers as I research. Physical deformities, heart defects, cleft lip. So many hard choices. If the boys would have been born with any of them, we would have pushed through. I could not have loved them any less. Please give us wisdom and peace in this process and please help Joe and my mind to be in the same place.

Thank you for the chance to be a mother again. I am confident that you have called me to walk this road, and I pray that I would encourage others in whatever ways I can.

Thoughts on list: 

Something that the child has a very high chance of living a long, happy life. Brain functioning normal! Don’t think we could handle a little girl with a huge physical deformity, such as big facial burn. She will have emotional hurdles to jump over without that.

I was born with special needs and am excited to adopt a child with SN but nervous about which one we will get. So many unknowns. Fine with surgery as long as there is a high chance of success. Would rather avoid lifelong medications if possible. Have a hard time with the issues that says often times it’s seen with disorders of the kidney, heart, lungs, etc. Feels selfish to choose and weird. So many children are waiting. ;-( 

From the heart of Joe

2/17 

'You do not need to be defeated by anything, ...you can have peace of mind, improved health, and a never-ceasing flow of energy'. - Dr. Norman Vincent Peale

For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God. So you have not received a spirit that makes you fearful slaves. Instead, you received God's Spirit when he adopted you as his own children. Now we call him, "Abba, Father."For his Spirit joins with our spirit to affirm that we are God's children.

- Romans 8:14-16

http://www.faithit.com/family-adopts-all-over-world-special-needs-amazing-story/#.UvllP7oNPMk.facebook

Oh Hayley! 

That movie made me cry too. I think God is really speaking to us when we both feel the same way about something so intensely. For a man who rarely cries I have been doing it alot whenever I see these videos. 

When I watched the video, I thought, wow that is kind of cool their family looks like what our heavenly family will look like. (sniffing as I type this). I also thought of how difficult it would be to have that many kids with disabilities. Then I saw the part when the kid from Romania was playing the piano with his feet. Then he started singing and that really got to me because I just saw how human he was and how God loves each of us so much. Then of course he was singing that song that you really like, and I remembering singing that song to Eli as a baby to help put him to sleep at night. 

Chinese New Year

1/31

Its Chinese New Year, the most important holiday on the Chinese calendar. I've been thinking about you a lot, sweet Bella. Praying for who your parents might be. It’s a possibility that you will be conceived soon. Your parents may be discussing you right now, planning on having a baby, waiting for the right time. They don’t know now that you will be born with medical conditions that they won't be able to handle. Will they know during pregnancy or when you are born? 

You are wanted, sweet girl. Even know. I yearn for you. Yearn to start the process. I'm ready to start the paperwork and the waiting. It's better than the waiting of nothingness. The waiting without being able to do anything. Please guide us to people who will encourage, strengthen, and help us to wait. Its hard to tell people because the responses are so mixed. And because I am afraid of having to wait so long. Afraid of what it may do to my resolve. But it’s been 15 years. I think I can handle 11 months. I pray for the sale of the condo. I know that that is a huge piece of this puzzle and until that is done we won't be able to start even if we were old enough. Please let it go smoothly. Please help it to sell for a lot. For her.

Should we bring the boys? I want to, but it’s expensive. Guide us, direct us. May we be your hands.

Please direct us to the right organization and to the right special needs. Both are huge decisions that will change everything. I need you, every day. Make me strong, make me yours. I love you. So much. I want to be your vessel, pouring out love to my 3 boys, to Bella one day, to my extended family, and to my friends.

Please give me wisdom to know how to prepare the boys and us culturally. I want them to love Chinese culture and to know a lot about it. 

Once you are here, please give me the words to speak to u about your birth parents and why they let you go. We want u, we love you, we are waiting for you. Imagining what life will be like with you every single day.

I need you more than ever. Please help me to be your patient, strong, loving servant.