Decisions

Day to day I often have a very difficult time making decisions when my decision will affect other people.

I tend to evaluate how everything I do will impact everyone else whether it be my bedtime, the park I choose to go to, or what I make for dinner. I tend to be a very holistic, living in the gray decision maker.



But with some things there is no gray. It is black and white, and I am sure and certain that if I don't do this thing that I will regret it for the rest of my life. The best example was with Joe.



The day I met Joe, I knew he was the man I was going to marry. He asked me if I wanted to go on a date, my answer was an immediate yes! Do you want to be my girlfriend, yes!! Do you want to get married, yes!!! There was no hesitation on the day of our wedding. I was excited. I was ready. Would this decision drastically alter the rest of my life. Absolutely! Would it be difficult at times? Yes! Was I absolutely, completely ready for everything that we would face? Probably not. But I loved him unconditionally, and I have never looked back. I have never doubted if I made the right decision.



This is the same way that I feel about adoption. I feel so sure. Every time I am so afraid about all the special needs options. About the wait. About the trip to China. About how the boys will react. I think about the other side of these fears, which is staying as we are. Not moving forward. Not adopting. And I feel absolutely sure that I would regret that decision for the rest of my life.



I think that in the sometimes, difficult two years we have ahead of us that, that certainty will ground me. For someone who wants to make sure that my decisions enrich others' lives, I will need that certainty. I don't want to live with regret. I don't want to wake up five years from now, and look at the faces of my beautiful family and know that someone is missing. My baby girl. Who very well could be already planted in her birth mommy's belly, growing, with  so much ahead of her.



You are coming home. Someday. My arms are open. I already love you. Come home. ;-)