Holding on to Hope

09/23/2014

Dear Belle,

I am sorry, but I have been fretting lately. Getting so close to starting the adoption process and I have been anxious and thinking about all the paperwork. I am so worried that they won’t accept us for some reason. Our tax returns aren’t perfect, Joe’s income may not be, my heart history, our age. I don’t know.

I am worried that after all this thinking and praying and waiting for you that for some reason or another either of the big, bad governments who don’t really know us will close the door. Slam it in my face. And there I will be standing outside crying and letting the hope I have carried for years and years, the hope of meeting you, melt to the ground.

I have a tendency to do this. It’s not just with the adoption. Of seeing how things might be and worrying that the worst may happen. The good thing is that the majority of the time I am pleasantly surprised, which is a huge joy boost, but for something like an adoption which takes sooo long and could have so many potential hang ups, I need to stop doing it.

But how? I have been praying and praying about it but can’t seem to completely let go of the anxiety. And then I was denied life insurance today because of my heart history and now I feel terrible. So completely heartbroken that the adoption agency will say the same thing. I couldn’t imagine what I would do.

 It would feel to me like a precious piece of myself had died. Please, dear Lord, let them not say no. I know that the year we will bring you home will be hard, but I feel ready for that kind of hard. Ready with my active heart and hands to tackle whatever may come our way. But ready for the heartache of them saying no? I can’t imagine ever being ready for that. I don’t know how I would recover. I need you. You belong in my arms. You belong in this family. Wherever you are. Lord, please show the governments and the adoption agencies that although parts of us may not look perfect on paper, that we are caring, hard working parents who love our two boys to the moon and back and will try our very best raising you.

I love you, Belles. And pray every day that someday we will meet.

Life offers no guarantees, and that is what I am terrified of. 

God did it!

06/25/2014

God did it, Bella. He came through yet again! We sold the condo. It all went perfectly. We got the price we needed by the time we needed it. We have all the money for your adoption tucked away safely in an account, waiting for you. Waiting to start the process to bring you home!!!!

It’s crazy how often I think about you, Bella. Every single day. When I hug Eli and Max, when I see pics of my friend’s beautiful little girl whom she recently adopted, and every time I pray, my heart goes to you first. All the way on the other side of the World. I can’t wait to see your face. Can’t wait to hold you close. I know in time we will be so close. I pray for our journey to each other. It will be so hard for you, and my heart aches for that. I don’t want you to have to suffer. I know that in the first few years, you will have to go through so much. I am so sorry.

But just like when we brought Max into the world through C-section, it left a scar on me. That scar will never leave me, but scars get better with time. They fade, they don’t hurt as much, you stop thinking about them all the time. Max joining our family scarred me. Just like you joining our family will leave a scar in your heart. It will be painful. But the pain will fade with time.

And I am proud of my scars. One for surviving heart surgery 20+ years ago and another for bringing my precious Max into the World. Scars show us where we’ve been. Life leaves marks. And before you even draw a breath, you are leaving marks on my heart. I love you, Bella. Already. Please come home soon….

Why

Why are you adopting?

If you knew your little girl was on the other side of the world, wouldn’t you go get her?

Yet I mourn. I mourn the time I will lose with my baby girl. I will miss her first smile, when she starts to sit up, her first word. I will miss so much.

 It’s like if the doctors handed me Eli at the hospital and said, “You can keep him but only if you agree to work for 12 hours a day until he turns one.” What a letdown. I would shed tears. I would be frustrated. I would mourn the time lost with him. I would want to be there for every milestone, for every moment.

 It is the same with you, sweet baby girl. I am mourning, right now, the time that I will miss. There is no way to get that time back, and I have already shed tears because of this.

But you are mine, and I am yours. And the same way as the story of Eli went, the only way I get to hold you in my arms for the rest of your life is if I give up your first year. Obviously, it is more than worth it. I cannot wait to see you. To breath in your sweet smell. To study your sweet face. To hear your sweet voice. Wo ai ni. Forever and ever. I love you. Help me to make up for that time by being the best mom that I can for you, my darling. For my Bella, my beautiful, unique, strong, lovely Bella.

I am holding my breath until I see your face. I am holding my breath until I get to hold you to my heart… safe, close, where you belong. I miss you.

May the time pass quickly.

Perspective

Today we went on a nice Earth Day hike. 

For an hour and fifteen minutes, I enjoyed myself immensely. Then the sun came out, streaming through the clouds. A man walked by as he eyed my two adorable boys frolicking around and said, "When it's hot up here, we sometimes see rattlesnakes. Watch out!" It was no longer a relaxing walk. My eyes were scanning, and I was on the alert. The rattlesnakes weren't going to get us! The walk hadn't change, but my perspective had. To the outside world the hike was the same, but to my brain it was ten times better before the other person had crossed our paths even though obviously it was good I was aware. 

Such is life. 

 I was born with a congenital heart defect, and when I was seven, I had open heart surgery. That same year both my grandparents died. I remember being impacted with my own mortality and the mortality of others. I was going to die, and it may not be when I am old and ready. It might be tomorrow or the next day. I remember beginning to live like today mattered. My new catch phrase became, "Carpe Diem." Make today matter because it does. Every day matters and is worth treasuring and trying your very best for. I couldn't waste my time on anything that didn't matter. 

I take a lot of pictures. Capturing moments. Moments in time that I never want to forget.

I know it sounds morbid, but I live with the thought that if, God forbid, anyone in my family was ever taken from this Earth before I am ready, I could at the very least say that I made the most of every single day that I was given with them. This change in perspective makes my life as a perpetual laundry washer, bottom wiper, dinner cooker seem more important. I matter to my family, and I want every day that they have to matter. Whether we are painting, playing, or exploring, I want to make the most of the time that I’ve been given.

And when I look deep into the eyes of any of the three boys that God has given to me and think about losing them, it makes anything that I am going through with them that may frustrate me in the short term seem like a candle in the wind. Nothing, zilch, not important. 

Decisions

Day to day I often have a very difficult time making decisions when my decision will affect other people.

I tend to evaluate how everything I do will impact everyone else whether it be my bedtime, the park I choose to go to, or what I make for dinner. I tend to be a very holistic, living in the gray decision maker.



But with some things there is no gray. It is black and white, and I am sure and certain that if I don't do this thing that I will regret it for the rest of my life. The best example was with Joe.



The day I met Joe, I knew he was the man I was going to marry. He asked me if I wanted to go on a date, my answer was an immediate yes! Do you want to be my girlfriend, yes!! Do you want to get married, yes!!! There was no hesitation on the day of our wedding. I was excited. I was ready. Would this decision drastically alter the rest of my life. Absolutely! Would it be difficult at times? Yes! Was I absolutely, completely ready for everything that we would face? Probably not. But I loved him unconditionally, and I have never looked back. I have never doubted if I made the right decision.



This is the same way that I feel about adoption. I feel so sure. Every time I am so afraid about all the special needs options. About the wait. About the trip to China. About how the boys will react. I think about the other side of these fears, which is staying as we are. Not moving forward. Not adopting. And I feel absolutely sure that I would regret that decision for the rest of my life.



I think that in the sometimes, difficult two years we have ahead of us that, that certainty will ground me. For someone who wants to make sure that my decisions enrich others' lives, I will need that certainty. I don't want to live with regret. I don't want to wake up five years from now, and look at the faces of my beautiful family and know that someone is missing. My baby girl. Who very well could be already planted in her birth mommy's belly, growing, with  so much ahead of her.



You are coming home. Someday. My arms are open. I already love you. Come home. ;-)

Bella

Everyone is so different. It's one thing I've learned in my 28 years. The way you see things are drastically altered by the lens you wear, which is created by your upbringing, the things you have gone through, your beliefs, your mood, and more. 

It is so difficult to predict how someone will feel or what they will think about any given event that happens. We are all so complicated and beautiful. A beautiful mess. 

I feel things very deeply. It is a curse and a blessing. 

I want to live life in a place of overflowing compassion and love, but I think most of it spills out on my children during the 14 hours every day that I am with them. I love them so deeply. It hurts.

Having a child, getting married. These things change you forever. It's not just a cliche that people say. It is so very true. I am not the same person I was preJoe, preEli, preMax. These people have interwoven themselves so closely into my heart and in my life. I cannot act or speak or do anything without thinking about how it will affect them. 

And it seems crazy, but in a different way, but still to a very powerful degree, Bella does the same thing. She hasn't even been born yet, but I think about her all the time. I pray for her. I yearn for her. I grieve for her. I will miss out on so much, and there is no way to get those years back. 

I just heard a song on Pandora about loss, and tears rolled down my cheeks. She will lose so much, but so will we. She will most likely be abandoned because her special need is too much for her parents to handle either monetarily or emotionally. 

I cannot imagine this. Either one. Choosing to walk away from a child that you could care for but can't imagine doing so because of a need they have or feeling like you have to walk away from them to save their life. Whew!

Being a mother has made these tragedies so much more real to me. I don't think I could ever walk away. But I am not there. I am not them, and people are complicated and beautiful and different. So very different. Please give me the grace and the strength to teach her as she grows about these mysterious forces in her life called her birth parents. Who played such a big role in who she is but will not be able to lift a finger to guide her through the heartache of what happened to her.
Give me deep compassion, understanding, and wisdom. 

I can't imagine living a year without her. I cannot imagine a week without my boys. A year. 

Sigh... 

Please give me strength. It may be a very long year.

Ephesians 1:4-54 Long ago, even before he made the world, God chose us to be his very own through what Christ would do for us; he decided then to make us holy in his eyes, without a single fault—we who stand before him covered with his love. 5 His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by sending Jesus Christ to die for us. And he did this because he wanted to!

 

Special Needs Checklist Struggles

2/28 

I feel so blessed to be able to be a parent. I don’t want my daughter to ever feel like I was the one that rescued her. My boys rescued me. I wanted to be a mom for so long. I yearned for it, prayed for it. For many years I didn’t think it was possible for me to have children and it broke my heart. I felt so called to be a mother and am so thankful to my core every day for the opportunity and the responsibility of raising my children.

I hope that the adoption agency and my friends and family will look at me and see that I am worthy of having another child. I want more children desperately. I am not done. I love my boys to the moon and back and I want to be able to see more children grow up. I want to soothe more, tickle more, laugh more, teach more, hug more. I want to experience it all as much as God allows me to. Whether it be with three or four children (I haven’t allowed my heart or mind to go past that number ;-).

I cannot wait to hold you, my sweet girl. Whatever your special need might be. God, you know. She’s about to be conceived. About to enter into her mother’s womb, and we are waiting. Waiting to apply, waiting to work hard to bring her home. So I wait for answers as I research. Physical deformities, heart defects, cleft lip. So many hard choices. If the boys would have been born with any of them, we would have pushed through. I could not have loved them any less. Please give us wisdom and peace in this process and please help Joe and my mind to be in the same place.

Thank you for the chance to be a mother again. I am confident that you have called me to walk this road, and I pray that I would encourage others in whatever ways I can.

Thoughts on list: 

Something that the child has a very high chance of living a long, happy life. Brain functioning normal! Don’t think we could handle a little girl with a huge physical deformity, such as big facial burn. She will have emotional hurdles to jump over without that.

I was born with special needs and am excited to adopt a child with SN but nervous about which one we will get. So many unknowns. Fine with surgery as long as there is a high chance of success. Would rather avoid lifelong medications if possible. Have a hard time with the issues that says often times it’s seen with disorders of the kidney, heart, lungs, etc. Feels selfish to choose and weird. So many children are waiting. ;-(