Stirrings

10/21/2013

Have you ever felt like you really need to do something and you really desire that peace that comes when you figure it out? That’s how I’ve felt the last six months regarding adoption. I’ve been thinking and praying about adoption for such a long time. The journey started in Junior high when I learned about the life of Gladys Alyward and how she was passionate about saving the lives of abandoned Chinese girls. I’m a very passionate  person and this cause stuck with me. 

I wanted to be her. 

I wanted my life to count for something great for the kingdom of God. I wanted to save and love and nurture and protect the people that I think are so very close to the heart of God, orphaned kids. I read about it, prayed about it, talked about it, dreamed about it, and so much more. I was able to sponsor orphaned kids in China while I was in high school, college, and the first few years of our marriage. For me, it was one small, tangible step of what I could do to help. I volunteered at Nightlight adoption center. I led three missions trips, one to Romania and two to China, to serve orphans. If I could do anything in my life, I would like to do that. I would like to live my life saving orphans. My dream job has always been to work at an adoption agency. So why did I become a teacher? I don’t know. I love kids and kids everywhere are hurting. Even those from complete, seemingly happy homes and there’s plenty of children coming from broken homes. Maybe one day I will get the chance to work at my dream job.

When I met Joe in 2005, I was amazed to find out that this man who I instantly fell head over heels for also desired to adopt. We weren’t dating or married or infertile or anything. He already had it in his heart the desire to adopt. I was sold. For every other reason as well. ;-) We married young and had 2 boys right away. Money was tight until recently and we didn’t have the resources to consider putting our dreams into reality until now. We love our boys to the moon and back, and we desperately desire to add to our family now that the time seems right through adoption. But I’ve been struggling with it on many levels.

The first is that so many of the children out there seem to be older. They need homes. I’m more than willing to take on the challenges of adopting an older child and maybe that is something we do ten years from now and we have talked about it, but we both agree with the experts who suggest maintaining birth order and our kiddos are so young….Still unsure in my own heart at times though.

Also, I’ve always dreamed of adopting a little girl. I’m struggling with this because after looking more into this it’s apparent that there’s more boys that need to be adopted than girls. I am willing to adopt a boy and love my boys to pieces and do agree that our adopted child may feel more at home with two little boys at home already, but my husband feels strongly about waiting for a girl. I also have said more than once that I would love a little girl eventually which may impact him. I want to do the right thing. I don’t want my preferences and visions for my own life to get in the way but how do I know if these visions are from God or from myself. It seems that it sometimes can take twice as long to adopt a girl and in the case of South Korea which seems like a great program, they don’t even allow requests for little girls.

So with that I’m not sure about the country question. I love China. I have a huge heart for China, am excited to go back, and would like the chance to live there someday even if it’s only for months at a time. I’m definitely consistently drawn to things of Chinese culture. Every time I have the chance to learn more, I want to. When I see a Chinese child or hear a story about one my heart aches. Every time I see a Chinese kiddo I can imagine our family with a Chinese son or daughter. But right now in this anxious state I can’t imagine waiting for another 14 months before we can even start the process. I don’t understand why I feel such urgency right now and my concern is that this urgency is from God and that he specifically wants me to do something with this feeling. A time I remember feeling like this was when I was dating my boyfriend in college and was so anxious about it. I couldn’t stop thinking and mulling over our relationship! I spent a day alone with God and ended the day with a decision to break up with him after almost two years. It felt so clear that God wanted me to do something right then. Usually this feeling of urgency and constant mental stirrings and thinking about something every time I close my eyes usually coincides with necessary action.

I think the bottom line is that I will cause myself to rest in the wait either before we apply or after we receive the referral, etc, but I really want to know first that I’m making the right decision. I can’t imagine living with this particular feeling for over a year! My heart breaks to do something! I’ve been researching and learning and emailing, but that’s it. I don’t know what other actions to take. And maybe God is leading me in another direction right now. What is it? Volunteer, apply, pray, read, make friends with people who have adopted. I don’t know and I feel like I have no one to talk to about it.

I’ve read many stories recently about families who have adopted three, four, five kids, and maybe that will be us. Maybe this is just the beginning. But I kind of don’t think so. My husband is really careful with money, and I want to make sure we make the right decision at least to the best of our abilities.

Dear Lord, please shine a light in the darkness of my mind. What is it you want from me right now regarding adoption? What organization? Which country? Which special needs? Please give your wisdom to me and help me to understand what I should be doing right now. I want to be your clay. I love being a mom more than anything I have ever done. I want to help in any way that I can, and I feel that you have called me. But I honestly hate this feeling of unclear urgency, and it’s been so long. Every time I feel that I have opened a beautiful window of hope, I open it up and find that there’s an obstacle that I don’t feel like I can overcome like waiting for 18 months from referral to picking up our child if we adopt through South Korea.

Most of my thoughts point toward China and CCAI seems like an amazing organization but 14 months! If that’s what you want, please make it clear to me. Please give me peace. Please direct. I want to do your will. Today. I love you.