Why

Why are you adopting?

If you knew your little girl was on the other side of the world, wouldn’t you go get her?

Yet I mourn. I mourn the time I will lose with my baby girl. I will miss her first smile, when she starts to sit up, her first word. I will miss so much.

 It’s like if the doctors handed me Eli at the hospital and said, “You can keep him but only if you agree to work for 12 hours a day until he turns one.” What a letdown. I would shed tears. I would be frustrated. I would mourn the time lost with him. I would want to be there for every milestone, for every moment.

 It is the same with you, sweet baby girl. I am mourning, right now, the time that I will miss. There is no way to get that time back, and I have already shed tears because of this.

But you are mine, and I am yours. And the same way as the story of Eli went, the only way I get to hold you in my arms for the rest of your life is if I give up your first year. Obviously, it is more than worth it. I cannot wait to see you. To breath in your sweet smell. To study your sweet face. To hear your sweet voice. Wo ai ni. Forever and ever. I love you. Help me to make up for that time by being the best mom that I can for you, my darling. For my Bella, my beautiful, unique, strong, lovely Bella.

I am holding my breath until I see your face. I am holding my breath until I get to hold you to my heart… safe, close, where you belong. I miss you.

May the time pass quickly.

Perspective

Today we went on a nice Earth Day hike. 

For an hour and fifteen minutes, I enjoyed myself immensely. Then the sun came out, streaming through the clouds. A man walked by as he eyed my two adorable boys frolicking around and said, "When it's hot up here, we sometimes see rattlesnakes. Watch out!" It was no longer a relaxing walk. My eyes were scanning, and I was on the alert. The rattlesnakes weren't going to get us! The walk hadn't change, but my perspective had. To the outside world the hike was the same, but to my brain it was ten times better before the other person had crossed our paths even though obviously it was good I was aware. 

Such is life. 

 I was born with a congenital heart defect, and when I was seven, I had open heart surgery. That same year both my grandparents died. I remember being impacted with my own mortality and the mortality of others. I was going to die, and it may not be when I am old and ready. It might be tomorrow or the next day. I remember beginning to live like today mattered. My new catch phrase became, "Carpe Diem." Make today matter because it does. Every day matters and is worth treasuring and trying your very best for. I couldn't waste my time on anything that didn't matter. 

I take a lot of pictures. Capturing moments. Moments in time that I never want to forget.

I know it sounds morbid, but I live with the thought that if, God forbid, anyone in my family was ever taken from this Earth before I am ready, I could at the very least say that I made the most of every single day that I was given with them. This change in perspective makes my life as a perpetual laundry washer, bottom wiper, dinner cooker seem more important. I matter to my family, and I want every day that they have to matter. Whether we are painting, playing, or exploring, I want to make the most of the time that I’ve been given.

And when I look deep into the eyes of any of the three boys that God has given to me and think about losing them, it makes anything that I am going through with them that may frustrate me in the short term seem like a candle in the wind. Nothing, zilch, not important. 

Decisions

Day to day I often have a very difficult time making decisions when my decision will affect other people.

I tend to evaluate how everything I do will impact everyone else whether it be my bedtime, the park I choose to go to, or what I make for dinner. I tend to be a very holistic, living in the gray decision maker.



But with some things there is no gray. It is black and white, and I am sure and certain that if I don't do this thing that I will regret it for the rest of my life. The best example was with Joe.



The day I met Joe, I knew he was the man I was going to marry. He asked me if I wanted to go on a date, my answer was an immediate yes! Do you want to be my girlfriend, yes!! Do you want to get married, yes!!! There was no hesitation on the day of our wedding. I was excited. I was ready. Would this decision drastically alter the rest of my life. Absolutely! Would it be difficult at times? Yes! Was I absolutely, completely ready for everything that we would face? Probably not. But I loved him unconditionally, and I have never looked back. I have never doubted if I made the right decision.



This is the same way that I feel about adoption. I feel so sure. Every time I am so afraid about all the special needs options. About the wait. About the trip to China. About how the boys will react. I think about the other side of these fears, which is staying as we are. Not moving forward. Not adopting. And I feel absolutely sure that I would regret that decision for the rest of my life.



I think that in the sometimes, difficult two years we have ahead of us that, that certainty will ground me. For someone who wants to make sure that my decisions enrich others' lives, I will need that certainty. I don't want to live with regret. I don't want to wake up five years from now, and look at the faces of my beautiful family and know that someone is missing. My baby girl. Who very well could be already planted in her birth mommy's belly, growing, with  so much ahead of her.



You are coming home. Someday. My arms are open. I already love you. Come home. ;-)

Bella

Everyone is so different. It's one thing I've learned in my 28 years. The way you see things are drastically altered by the lens you wear, which is created by your upbringing, the things you have gone through, your beliefs, your mood, and more. 

It is so difficult to predict how someone will feel or what they will think about any given event that happens. We are all so complicated and beautiful. A beautiful mess. 

I feel things very deeply. It is a curse and a blessing. 

I want to live life in a place of overflowing compassion and love, but I think most of it spills out on my children during the 14 hours every day that I am with them. I love them so deeply. It hurts.

Having a child, getting married. These things change you forever. It's not just a cliche that people say. It is so very true. I am not the same person I was preJoe, preEli, preMax. These people have interwoven themselves so closely into my heart and in my life. I cannot act or speak or do anything without thinking about how it will affect them. 

And it seems crazy, but in a different way, but still to a very powerful degree, Bella does the same thing. She hasn't even been born yet, but I think about her all the time. I pray for her. I yearn for her. I grieve for her. I will miss out on so much, and there is no way to get those years back. 

I just heard a song on Pandora about loss, and tears rolled down my cheeks. She will lose so much, but so will we. She will most likely be abandoned because her special need is too much for her parents to handle either monetarily or emotionally. 

I cannot imagine this. Either one. Choosing to walk away from a child that you could care for but can't imagine doing so because of a need they have or feeling like you have to walk away from them to save their life. Whew!

Being a mother has made these tragedies so much more real to me. I don't think I could ever walk away. But I am not there. I am not them, and people are complicated and beautiful and different. So very different. Please give me the grace and the strength to teach her as she grows about these mysterious forces in her life called her birth parents. Who played such a big role in who she is but will not be able to lift a finger to guide her through the heartache of what happened to her.
Give me deep compassion, understanding, and wisdom. 

I can't imagine living a year without her. I cannot imagine a week without my boys. A year. 

Sigh... 

Please give me strength. It may be a very long year.

Ephesians 1:4-54 Long ago, even before he made the world, God chose us to be his very own through what Christ would do for us; he decided then to make us holy in his eyes, without a single fault—we who stand before him covered with his love. 5 His unchanging plan has always been to adopt us into his own family by sending Jesus Christ to die for us. And he did this because he wanted to!