My Musings

I have been reading a lot of articles about adoption lately. Obviously. One of them said that adoptees can have a preoccupation at different points in their life with the events surrounding their life prior to being placed in your home. I didn’t give it much thought until Bella’s medical report said she was abandoned at two months outside of a hospital. And I can’t stop thinking about her birth family. What were the events that brought them there? I have quite the imagination and have devised quite the list of various possibilities. All of them are heartbreaking. And none of them make me feel any better. So I can understand what the articles are talking about. The question of her birth and later abandonment are so completely open-ended that it is hard to gain the closure our human brains long for. I don’t think that part of her story will ever have an answer, but I will continue to pray for her birth family. And hopefully when we are in China we will find out more so we can share as much as we know with her when she is ready.

This week we were able to put together the photo album we get to send to Bella’s foster family in China. I couldn’t stop thinking about her sweet little face opening the book with a puzzled expression. How could these people who look absolutely nothing like me one day very soon become my parents? Will she understand what adoption is? Will she know other children who have been adopted? I know if I were almost two it would be so completely overwhelming. I always think of my boys and how completely attached they were to us at that age. To rip her from her foster parents will be so hard for her. So very hard and confusing. But I pray that she does have a strong and special relationship with them because even though it will feel more difficult in those first few long months, it will, at least I have read, allow for the creation of stronger attachment bonds with us, her forever family.

Also, I have been struggling with being in my head too much lately. How will all the things we are planning for this year pan out? I kept praying to stop dwelling on the negative things that could happen and was reminded randomly of my college years when I was young and optimistic and confident I would change the world. 
Those blissful years reminded me to step back, take a deep breath, and repeat to my internal self at this point in my journey, "I will NOT be afraid." This sentence has been my companion the past two days.
I also have been listening to more awesome music lately and have been outside a whole lot. 9 1/2 hours today.  Two of my most favorite things! And Bella’s report says her favorite activity is playing outside, and she is from one of the greenest cities in China because of all the parks. How perfect is that! ;-) 

We have a match!

Thanks for all who have prayed for us in this journey of adoption! It is definitely not over yet, but we passed another hurdle!
We were matched a few days ago with a beautiful, precious angel from South China. She is 19 months old today and is living in foster care. We really don't know much about her except her medical stats, but we are beyond thrilled to travel to China in a few short months to bring her home!!
Continue to pray for us that the paperwork process we still have to complete will go as quickly as possible, that her file would be officially released soon, and that we would be prepared for her arrival and ready to welcome her with open arms and hearts.
Hugs!!

We are getting ready to build her bed!! She is sleeping in the same bed I slept in as a child. ;-)

 I am not hanging the dress on the wall. Just thought it was precious for when we surprised the family today. .;-) 

Thankful

It's been a hard year. I can't lie. I am excited that 2015 is behind us, and we are marching forward towards 2016! When I think about 2015, the words struggle and striving comes to mind. However, I am starting this beautiful January 1st morning putting together our family's 2015 memory book, and I have tears in my eyes as I remember all the wonderful, beautiful, precious things have happened this year. Thank you so much for all the friends and family who have been there this year for me. Even though I definitely isolated myself at times this year because I was tired of talking things over or didn't know what to say, I am thankful for all the times I was able to connect with other people, be it in person, through a friendly text, or a picture on Facebook. I will strive in 2016 to be more available, more willing to be vulnerable, more present, and more forgiving of myself. God is faithful. He is faithful to provide what we need and to not give us more than we can handle. Let me know how I can pray for you or be there for you. I am thankful for you. Let's make this the best year yet! ;-)

Quick Adoption Update for my Prayer Warriors

We received word that we are THE next family on the list to receive a referral from China. Please pray for our little girl that God would bring the right one for our family at the right time. Please pray for us that we would have wisdom in whether or not we should accept referrals that we receive.
Thank you so much!!
Blessings to you on this beautiful day to start fresh! New Year's Eve!
Hugs! ;-)

Grace Wins

I have always tried to be the best version of myself. My theme in high school was Carpe Diem, Seize the Day. I wanted everyone to like me. I got perfect grades. I always tried to obey my parents. I have always tried diligently to follow God and hear from him. 

Having kids is a whole new experience for someone who has always been very hard on herself. I have poured my heart and energy and time and love into my two kids, but more times than not they forget the instructions I give them in the car. They don't always share. Max is terrified of talking to adults most of the time. He also really struggles with controlling his emotions and is the most stubborn kid on the planet.

 I do not have a problem seeing the good in my kids. I would give my life for them. I love them so much and see their potential and their hearts for others and for our family and for God at such a young age. I see all the good they do every single day. But often with Max, right now especially, others don't. He is an introvert who is only himself with a few select people. It is so hard for me to be gracious with myself when he misbehaves or isn't social. I want him to be the best version of himself. I want him to show everyone the wonderful kid he is. And I beat myself up about all the reasons I can't or don't make that happen. 

I have been praying for him fervently this year. But this morning, I was seeking God in prayer and through reading his Word, and I was praying for myself. Help me please to forgive myself for not being the parent I thought I would be. I cannot make Max be perfect. I am always worried about how his behavior is going to affect other people or make their life more difficult. And God spoke to me so clearly yesterday morning through this song. There is a war between guilt and grace, And I struggle every single day with guilt over why my kids won't behave. Over why I am sad about something or can't keep my house clean. I am so consistently hard on myself. I want to be the best I can be, which has merit, but God showed me this morning a picture that I had forgotten about how he sees me. He doesn't see all the ways I have failed. He sees me as his child. I am not a failure. 

I kept repeating the words of this song to myself all day long yesterday, and it was like a balm to a soul who longs so desperately to be good at something, to be recognized for how I pour my life out for my family. 

Everyone struggles with something. Being too hard on myself and mentally beating myself up for how I could have done something better is one of the things I struggle with. My prayer is that I can see myself with God's eyes. He wants me to be more like Jesus, but he also loves me and wants me to be more gentle with myself. 

Colorado in the Snow

"White as snow white as snow
Though my sins were as scarlet
Lord I know Lord I know
That I'm clean and forgiven


Through the power of your blood,
Through the wonder of your love,
Through faith in you 
I know that I can be

White as snow"

We journeyed to Colorado for the second time this year for eleven days, driving through the night in both directions. It was the boys' first experience in real snow! It was falling, it was on the ground, it was on our car. It was so amazingly beautiful. I will never forget staring out our fifth story hotel and watching the snow gently fall and twist and float from the sky. It made even the trash cans look beautiful. Eli loved every minute of it. Max loved it as long as the sun was out since he was not a fan of his snow clothes. For four days in a row the high was 19 degrees! We had quite a big storm while we were there. On this trip we spent our time in Colorado Springs, Lakewood, Morrison, Littleton, and Centennial. Pictures speak better than I ever could. ;-) 

It's snowing!!! Driving through Vail.

Nothing more beautiful than the mountains

Visited Focus on the Family

Checking out homes 

Nice Park 

Saw lots of deer 

Beautiful Manitou 

Inside the Cave of the Winds 

Free breakfast every morning! 

Eli loved the snow so much! 

Nothing better than this ;-) 

Mountain Goat 

They LOVED this muskrat 

Snowball fight 

Grenadine ice slushies 

My little guy 

Hiking at Palmer Park 

Found this adorable kitty that we named Snow Paws 

A feast ;-) 

Black Forest Regional Park 

Stomping around 

Built a Pokemon Stadium 

Eli LOVED mini golfin!

Trying on Shades to help momma 

Swam the first 4 nights at our first hotel 

Visited a great free farm in Littleton 

Found a real grumpy cat 

Lots of card playing on the trip 

and lots of toy playing 

Ate at a restaurant that had a gorilla, arcade, show, all you can eat, music, Christmas lights and more. 

First snowfall ever!! 

It's sooo pretty! 

My snow buddy 

Thanksgiving dinner. Bison chili and ice cream ;-) 

Went to several nice malls

Did a lot of driving 

Found an interesting dino museum in Morrison 

So cool! McDonalds art 

Boys loved Lollipop park!! An indoor amusement park for kids 

My mountain man 

Boys couldn't get enough of the magic mirror 

Watching hockey 

An awesome ferris wheel 

Beautiful things everywhere 

Eli didn't want to stop doing the bow and arrow 

Eli built snow plows. 

Max built Muskrat houses. 

Drive to check out Colorado Springs again. 

Oh man! 

Learning to play chess 

Barnes N Noble adventure 

Another mini golf course 

"mommy, do you know what I love the most? Snow!!" 

Too bad he didn't love his snow jacket or boots the most ;-)