My Musings

I have been reading a lot of articles about adoption lately. Obviously. One of them said that adoptees can have a preoccupation at different points in their life with the events surrounding their life prior to being placed in your home. I didn’t give it much thought until Bella’s medical report said she was abandoned at two months outside of a hospital. And I can’t stop thinking about her birth family. What were the events that brought them there? I have quite the imagination and have devised quite the list of various possibilities. All of them are heartbreaking. And none of them make me feel any better. So I can understand what the articles are talking about. The question of her birth and later abandonment are so completely open-ended that it is hard to gain the closure our human brains long for. I don’t think that part of her story will ever have an answer, but I will continue to pray for her birth family. And hopefully when we are in China we will find out more so we can share as much as we know with her when she is ready.

This week we were able to put together the photo album we get to send to Bella’s foster family in China. I couldn’t stop thinking about her sweet little face opening the book with a puzzled expression. How could these people who look absolutely nothing like me one day very soon become my parents? Will she understand what adoption is? Will she know other children who have been adopted? I know if I were almost two it would be so completely overwhelming. I always think of my boys and how completely attached they were to us at that age. To rip her from her foster parents will be so hard for her. So very hard and confusing. But I pray that she does have a strong and special relationship with them because even though it will feel more difficult in those first few long months, it will, at least I have read, allow for the creation of stronger attachment bonds with us, her forever family.

Also, I have been struggling with being in my head too much lately. How will all the things we are planning for this year pan out? I kept praying to stop dwelling on the negative things that could happen and was reminded randomly of my college years when I was young and optimistic and confident I would change the world. 
Those blissful years reminded me to step back, take a deep breath, and repeat to my internal self at this point in my journey, "I will NOT be afraid." This sentence has been my companion the past two days.
I also have been listening to more awesome music lately and have been outside a whole lot. 9 1/2 hours today.  Two of my most favorite things! And Bella’s report says her favorite activity is playing outside, and she is from one of the greenest cities in China because of all the parks. How perfect is that! ;-)