Grace Wins

I have always tried to be the best version of myself. My theme in high school was Carpe Diem, Seize the Day. I wanted everyone to like me. I got perfect grades. I always tried to obey my parents. I have always tried diligently to follow God and hear from him. 

Having kids is a whole new experience for someone who has always been very hard on herself. I have poured my heart and energy and time and love into my two kids, but more times than not they forget the instructions I give them in the car. They don't always share. Max is terrified of talking to adults most of the time. He also really struggles with controlling his emotions and is the most stubborn kid on the planet.

 I do not have a problem seeing the good in my kids. I would give my life for them. I love them so much and see their potential and their hearts for others and for our family and for God at such a young age. I see all the good they do every single day. But often with Max, right now especially, others don't. He is an introvert who is only himself with a few select people. It is so hard for me to be gracious with myself when he misbehaves or isn't social. I want him to be the best version of himself. I want him to show everyone the wonderful kid he is. And I beat myself up about all the reasons I can't or don't make that happen. 

I have been praying for him fervently this year. But this morning, I was seeking God in prayer and through reading his Word, and I was praying for myself. Help me please to forgive myself for not being the parent I thought I would be. I cannot make Max be perfect. I am always worried about how his behavior is going to affect other people or make their life more difficult. And God spoke to me so clearly yesterday morning through this song. There is a war between guilt and grace, And I struggle every single day with guilt over why my kids won't behave. Over why I am sad about something or can't keep my house clean. I am so consistently hard on myself. I want to be the best I can be, which has merit, but God showed me this morning a picture that I had forgotten about how he sees me. He doesn't see all the ways I have failed. He sees me as his child. I am not a failure. 

I kept repeating the words of this song to myself all day long yesterday, and it was like a balm to a soul who longs so desperately to be good at something, to be recognized for how I pour my life out for my family. 

Everyone struggles with something. Being too hard on myself and mentally beating myself up for how I could have done something better is one of the things I struggle with. My prayer is that I can see myself with God's eyes. He wants me to be more like Jesus, but he also loves me and wants me to be more gentle with myself.