Patience in parenting

Max has a hard time changing states when he becomes upset. I understand because it’s hard for me to quickly switch to happy when something upsets me or disappoints me or disturb me. Yesterday we were on a special adventure together while Eli was in school, and we were having a great time. I love Max so much. He and I are very similar. He is the best conversationalist, he has the best imagination, and he is fiercely loyal and kind to me, making sure in any given situation that I am not forgotten.

As part of the adventure, I let him pick out a treat from the vending machine. He brought his treat to the table and proceeded to pull it open. Max is also extremely independent. He doesn’t like me to help him with most things, and he was determined, as usual, to do it himself. He finally did and a few treats scattered on the table. I quickly picked them up, and then foolishly popped two of his brand new treats in my mouth. His face dropped; his eyes narrowed. Max is such a generous little guy when he decides to be. He will share with me faster than Eli ever will. But I didn’t ask, and I knew instantly that it was a mistake. He said, “You didn’t ask me.” I quickly apologized and explained that I wasn’t thinking, and look how many more he had, and I will trade the two I took for a few pieces of my snack.

Too late. He was in upset Max mode. He murmured that he wanted to go home. I tried to distract; I tried to change his state; I scooped him up and walked him around for a while. He kept grunting and murmuring to go home, go home, go home. I explained that I had promised daddy and Eli I would pick up things at Costco for them, but he could choose to leave our adventure since it was for him anyways. He grunted his disapproval, but he knew he wouldn’t win.

The whole time we were at Costco he wouldn’t talk to me. I kept telling him I loved him and would show him things, pretending that things were okay, hopeful as usual that something would draw him out. Finally, we reached home, and he rushed to his room, closed the door, and started to play by himself. I had a headache and had plenty to do around the house so I started putting the groceries away.

I checked on him about every five minutes, and he would grunt at me that he wanted to be alone. I would apologize and tell him I loved him. When the alarm to pick up Eli sounded, I explained that I was trying to be really kind to him, that I hadn’t meant to upset him, that I didn’t appreciate being treated like he was treating me, and that he couldn’t be alone anymore because we had to get Eli.

He came right away because he knows the drill, and right as he was getting in the car, he called out, “momma!” I turned around expecting another scowl. Instead, he had his little hand extended to me with the “I love you” sign. His face was upturned, expectant to how I would react to these turn of events. I smiled and said, “I love you Max. Thank you for saying that.” He jumped in the car and was such a fun, well-behaved, happy, energetic rascal the rest of the day.

The rest of the day I couldn’t get his little hand out of my mind. To me it was such a great picture of parenting. It is so difficult. Every single day I don’t know what to do in at least one situation. I am always trying to decide how to show compassion while teaching the boys what is right. I have seen the benefits of being kind. Being a kid is hard too. You have to go to Costco when you want to go home. You have to spend every day with brothers and sisters that you didn’t choose, and you have to share with them, every single day. I try to see my boys as people first who are trying to grow up in the middle of tired days and wonderful days and sick days. It is a long journey. And parenting is a marathon, not a sprint. They see how we love. They see how we react to them. And they will slowly do likewise. It feels like change takes a very long time, but it is there if you look closely. In the things they teach each other, in the things they remember from months ago, in the “I love you” signs they choose to show you in midst of frustration.

^4 “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.” I Corinthians 13