Adoption and Loss

            A few years into our marriage, Joe and I decided we wanted to start a family. A few months later we were pregnant with Eli, and we loved him and were so excited for his arrival. A year after we welcomed our sweet boy we decided we were ready to have another child. We got pregnant right away and awaited his arrival with great anticipation, treasuring him and pondering what he would be like. A year after our second little boy’s arrival we talked again and decided we wanted to add another child to our family. However, this time we decided to do so through adoption, which we had been talking and praying about since we met in 2005. I spent a long time researching countries to adopt from and organizations to partner with. We landed on China as the best decision for our family for a lot of reasons. However, we had to wait till we were 29 ½ to begin the process so we spent 2 years waiting.

The past two and a half years I have felt the loss that is present in adoption. At least a dozen times a day an image or a thought flashes through my brain reminding me of my baby girl on the other side of the world that I want to see, to hold, to comfort, but I can’t. I need to wait because we need to be matched, we need to fill out more paperwork, we need to be old enough, etc.

            I have decided that in this period of waiting for our organization to call us with a match that I would spend at least 30 minutes a day preparing for the adoption. Our organization has great training materials online, there are books to read, people to talk with, Mandarin Chinese to learn, and special needs to familiarize ourselves with. The online trainings talk a lot about the loss experienced in adoption. There is the loss experienced by the birthparents who lose the chance to parent their child because of a myriad of different circumstances. There is the child who loses the chance to grow up with her birth parents and in her birth country. Then there are the adoptive parents who miss out on the first years of their precious child’s life.

            The trainings state that the loss of an adoptee often feels more profound at specific moments in their life, such as their birthday, Mother’s Day, Graduation, and more. I feel like it is the same way for adopting parents. I feel my loss more profoundly at certain times, such as when one of my friends gets pregnant or has her baby, especially when that baby is a girl or is the third, when I remember the birth of my two boys on their birthdays, whenever I see a little girl interacting with her brothers or mom, especially if she looks similar to how I imagine Bella will look.

            I was sure that being able to move forward in action would make the dull ache I felt since we officially decided to move forward with adoption two and a half years ago feel less pronounced, but I was wrong. Since we officially started the process in January, it has been even more difficult. I calculated that Bella was probably born around the time we started working on our homestudy, which is difficult for this momma to digest on a daily basis. I am missing so many of her firsts, and as I get closer to bringing her home, my ache for her to join our family has only grown.

I feel similar to how I feel whenever I leave my boys who I love so much to go on date night with my wonderful husband. I am happy and thankful every day because I love my three boys and I am so appreciative of the amazing life that we have together just like I am excited to spend time alone with my husband during date night, but I am also anxious about all the time I have spent away from my baby girl just like I am always anxious to leave my boys every single time I go on date night since I spend every other moment of my life with them. Where is my baby girl? Is she okay? Is she crying herself to sleep? Is she hurting? I know she will have a special need, but which one?

The organization told us to go through the dozen or so special needs we were okay with and put them in order from most preferable to least preferable. We also should familiarize ourselves with treatment plans of all of them and try to talk with families who have a child with each of the special needs for additional insight. Talk about extra anxiety. I don’t want her to have any of the special needs. Not because I do not already love her with her special need but because I don’t want her to be hurting alone. I cannot imagine my little boys going through a major surgery or difficult health hurdle, and they have been comforted and protected from day one in a consistent, caring home environment. I can’t imagine Bella going through a health ordeal and/or surgery while living in an orphanage with an ever changing sea of faces making the rounds to take care of her. It literally breaks my momma heart, which has been growing and stretching the past five years to include room for not 1, not 2, but 3 children. She is already mine even though I have not seen her. But I know that she is also her birth mother’s. And I know that the day our loss for her ends will be a day of monumental loss for her. She will have already experienced difficult loss before that point but losing her caregivers, her orphanage, her language, her country, and everything she finds familiar will be monumentally difficult.

Adoption is a beautiful thing, and I am so thankful to have the opportunity to expand my wonderful family this way. However, pain will be involved, and I think these years of felt loss for me will hopefully increase my compassion and understanding for her felt loss in the years to come.

Some encouraging words for the adoption process that I need right now: ;-)

“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; they shall walk, and not faint.” – Isaiah 40:31

“Father to the fatherless, defender of widows – this is God, whose dwelling is holy. God sets the lonely in families.” – Psalms 68:5-6

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord had granted me what I asked of him.” – Samuel 1:27

“Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord.” – Psalm 127