09/23/2014
Dear Belle,
I am sorry, but I have been fretting lately. Getting so
close to starting the adoption process and I have been anxious and thinking
about all the paperwork. I am so worried that they won’t accept us for some
reason. Our tax returns aren’t perfect, Joe’s income may not be, my heart
history, our age. I don’t know.
I am worried that after all this thinking and praying and
waiting for you that for some reason or another either of the big, bad
governments who don’t really know us will close the door. Slam it in my face.
And there I will be standing outside crying and letting the hope I have carried
for years and years, the hope of meeting you, melt to the ground.
I have a tendency to do this. It’s not just with the
adoption. Of seeing how things might be and worrying that the worst may happen.
The good thing is that the majority of the time I am pleasantly surprised,
which is a huge joy boost, but for something like an adoption which takes sooo
long and could have so many potential hang ups, I need to stop doing it.
But how? I have been praying and praying about it but can’t
seem to completely let go of the anxiety. And then I was denied life insurance
today because of my heart history and now I feel terrible. So completely
heartbroken that the adoption agency will say the same thing. I couldn’t imagine
what I would do.
It would feel to me
like a precious piece of myself had died. Please, dear Lord, let them not say
no. I know that the year we will bring you home will be hard, but I feel ready
for that kind of hard. Ready with my active heart and hands to tackle whatever
may come our way. But ready for the heartache of them saying no? I can’t
imagine ever being ready for that. I don’t know how I would recover. I need
you. You belong in my arms. You belong in this family. Wherever you are. Lord,
please show the governments and the adoption agencies that although parts of us
may not look perfect on paper, that we are caring, hard working parents who
love our two boys to the moon and back and will try our very best raising you.
I love you, Belles. And pray every day that someday we will
meet.
Life offers no guarantees, and that is what I am terrified
of.
